Music, singing, and shouting out loud

(Trav's dog, Oreo)

My personal studying music for a long time is Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No. 2 & 3. I would play it over and over again until I finish a study session, or writing a paper. There's some sort of calming power within; meanwhile, it's less distracting than other musics. This music might also have accompanied me through heartaches, different sorts of stress, and loneliness. I guess it's my all-purpose solution. There's just one downside of it: I can't really sing long with it. Sure, I can hum along with it yet where to vent my excessive energy? The yearning for connecting with this world, the yearning for doing something for real instead of staying in this lovely yet overly quite home...Sometimes I wonder. 

Thus I need to sing, not just sing, shout out loud. It's like my kind of exercising for the soul. A couple of falsettos wouldn't hurt my vocal cord. Just let my mind wander along with the pitches and the lyrics. Scream out so that I can hear the echoes of my own voice, piercing through the silent air.  

It just happened last night, right before I fell asleep. All of the sudden, I felt nostalgic about those old days while living in Taiwan and apparently being held in somebody's arm can't resolve this feeling. Don't get me wrong. I love the person I'm with and have promised him that we'll be best friends for eternity, regardless of our personal follies and shortcomings. It just that...I used to work so hard there for my dreams and future. My initial zeal for this life originated there. 23 years of my life was spent there. So many first-time experiences happened there. Although I always refuse to claim my homesickness, somehow it creeps into my dreams and my chains of thought. Have I lost something without knowing it? Do I need to find a new dream? 

About almost 2 and half years ago, Alana asked me why I am here. This is such a typical question you (especially if you're also a foreigner in this country) might have encountered on countless occasions. I didn't know why I tried to answer this seriously at that moment. I told  her, I would like to find a home. I couldn't even remember the exact wording I used, yet I knew I was searching for a home. I loved Taiwan and my family there dearly, yet I wasn't sure if that was the home in my mind. Back then, I didn't know how to love and appreciate much, yet I was adventurous and prone to risk-taking. I felt I missed something in Taiwan so that I came to the states, being rootless voluntarily. Then I found the gospel, the church, and started sensing what I might have missed in the past. I would like to ask myself, THEN, THEN WHAT? What can I do here to really mend myself whole. What kind of dream I should have from now on? And what can I do here to fulfill the purpose of my life and maybe, others' too? 

 p.s. I love Horowitz's Rachmaninoff's piano concerto no. 3 the best.